I am sitting here at 1:30am with Rick. He just got home from work. I have been up all day without a nap, which is good for me. I feel like I want to spend every waking moment with him so I stay up and sit with him after he gets home till we go to bed, together. I need to go see my boys and talk to them but I think I am going to wait till after this treatment and see if anything else pops up. I just feel like this isn’t right and someone is telling me something by mistake or mis-information. I refuse to walk around like I am sick and dying. I want to live while I can… I mean LIVE. I want to have a good Christmas for the kids. That doesn’t mean a ton of gifts but it means being together. The kids, grandkids, Rick and me. Make a memory for everyone.

10/14/16

I keep thinking that these doctors are wrong and that I am going to be here a lot longer than they say. Even if they may be right, I am going to get things taken care of so my children do not have to struggle getting money together to do my final wishes and cremation. I refuse to let them have to go through that while they are trying to come to terms with my death. I had to do that with my dad and it was so hard and I wasn’t able to grieve for several months later only to have mom die 2 1/2 months after dad. My life fell apart and I then all of the sudden didn’t know how to grieve. I just begged for God’s help.

Today I was thinking, I talked about how my kids are going to react to the devastating news of my being terminal. Then I thought, I hope Rick doesn’t think that I am leaving him out of the family grieving scenario. I believe this will be hard for him to take, when my time comes. He has been there for me from day one on both diagnosis. My rock, my love comfort and my eyes when I cannot see what is going on or understand what is going on. How is he going to deal with all this when I get that sick? I feel like a horrible girlfriend sitting here putting burden on him. It breaks my heart to think he is hurting with all this. I worry about him constantly. I always promised to never leave him, now I have no choice in the matter. NONE. Why me?