I am me. I need no approval from anyone. I love hard and with all my soul. ( Sometimes to my detriment) I have three great sons who are the loves of my life. I tried to be the best mother I could be with the knowledge and love that I had. I made many mistakes but can say that I didn’t do too bad being that my kids all turned out to be loving caring and compassionate. The bond I have with them will forever be with me even when they are not.

Rick, the most caring man I have ever met, fighting through life, fighting for me when he doesn’t have to. Showing me love when I don’t love myself. I have never felt love like I do from him. I could be at my worst state and he would still tell me I am beautiful. I could be throwing up down the side of his car the day after chemo and he is still trying to help me. There is something to say about a man that gives of himself to others to help them through illness and tough times, even when he is going through tough times himself. He has been my guardian angel, my protector and my wings when I could not fly. He fought for me and cried with me. He has seen me at my worst and still loved me because he knows me at my best. I am forever grateful to him for everything he has ever done for me. He is my rock, my light at the end of the tunnel. I will love him, always. You hear that Rick? ALWAYS!

Today, we received the worst news possible. Dr. Gross Perdekamp informed us that the cancer that went to my brain was from the cervical cancer that I had 2 years ago. So I have a spot on my left lung and could be the culprit of letting go and something growing in. We were told several times that the cervical cancer I had does not travel to the brain. What they didn’t tell us, it can travel to lower organs and through the blood stream to other organs to the brain. Hence my tumor. There is no cure, it will keep coming back. They just do radiation and chemo to keep it at bay. I am in hell.

On September 12 I had my skull sawed open and a tumor removed. It was something that could not wait. Rick, Chris and William were there. I felt like I received great care in recovery and such. Rick, I think is so angry, he expects perfect care for me. He knows a lot being a nurse and I think he intimidates or rubs the staff wrong an then gets mad when they don’t tell him what he wants to hear. I know he means well but sometimes you gotta bite your tongue. He wants the best care for me, for anyone for that matter. Its the nurse in him. He’s such a good nurse and his critical thinking skills… not everyone has that, nor do many have the experience. He needs to sit back and be my family and not the nurse.

I think the tumor has affected the part of my brain that tells me to freak out. Today I cried a little, was numb a while and then…..nothing absolutely nothingness. I could only think about leaving Rick and my kids. I do not want that. I may not have a choice at some point. I am going to do my damnest to be here for them as long as I possibly can. Even though my boys are grown and out on their own they still need their mom. Hell, I still need my mom and I wish everyday that I could talk to her. I wish I could talk to my dad and see him smile. No matter how crazy my dad talked. He could always crack me and the kids up being goofy. I would even hate to tell my mom about this cancer thing right now. Just cause her more worry but she was also quick to tell me that I am not a quitter and that I fought through life this far, no sense in stopping now.

Mom and Dad I miss you so much.

I am going to try to be happy and live life to the fullest. Do things I have never done ( within reason). I want to enjoy the outdoors. Whether it be at Rick’s cabin or just a walk through Allerton Park. I want to take pictures of different things like I use to. Sometimes I can get a great photo and print it out for my own happiness. I want to make memories with Rick that he can keep tucked in his heart. I could never ask for greater love than what I have with him. I want to spend time with the grandbabies. So they know Grandma loves them to the moon and back and again. I want to spend time with my boys so they have something they can look back on.

But yet, I am not sure where my head is in all this. I am floored at the fact that this will never be gone. I am not scared, at least I don’t think I am. My heart just hurts for my family. How will Rick deal with this? How will JP react to this news? My boys? My grand sons? My siblings? My brother I know is a no giving up kind of person. My heart is more concerned for them and their feelings rather than myself. I want them to know how much I love them and if I could change the things that are happening I would. But they are strong, confident and compassionate and eventually, I know they will be okay.

I guess my ramblings are done. I am feeling somewhat empty right now. MAYBE I am just tired……Maybe they took that part of my brain out…lol.